Each year when we go to Maine, I take along a haiku for kids about sunset at the ocean. I've been fiddling with it for years - this metaphor about the setting sun as a basketball. Should the sinking sun be described as a slam dunk or a swish shot?
This year, you can help me decide.
Select from my choices, or, if you wish, rework the whole blasted thing.
1. Red basketball sun
sinks through the hot hoop of day,
swish shot to the sea. OR: swish - into the sea.
2. Red basketball sun
drops through the hot hoop of day,
slam dunk to the sea. OR: dunk - into the sea.
So answer the Help Wanted, please. If you do, you're hired!
Thanks.
My vote --
ReplyDeleteRed basketball sun
sinks through the hot hoop of day,
swish - into the sea.
I'm w/J.A., I like that one the best too. A lot in fact! Good job!
ReplyDeleteThanks! J.A. and Leandra are both hired - we'll see what other ideas surface.
ReplyDeleteGale
ReplyDeleteWhat fun! Helping write poetry!
Love your second line
....sinks thru the hot hoop of day...
what a beautiful and descriptive image
yes - I agree "swish into the sea"
I also like the first one Gale, with 'swish' -- lovely image.
ReplyDeleteEileen and Julie,
ReplyDeleteOkay, so far you make it a sweep. Guess no one wants that super swift and in-your-face dunk shot.
Love your haiku, Gale! And I agree with "swish into the sea". What a beautiful image!
ReplyDeleteGale!!! LOVE your haikus (and I remember this one!!) I'm on Team SWISH. I think it's a better image of how the sun sets.
ReplyDelete